Unloading some Bad Trauma on the World

Today was one fucking hellish soap opera after another and I was the biggest baby of them all, and why not, just because I'm a dude doesn't mean I'm beyond my emotions, which I might add can be pretty shakey at times.

Ive been couped in the house for three weeks My wife has undergone sugery of having her bladder removed. it was frighteningg really, because she had never been operated on for anything. perhaps just dental work, or donating blood and that is it. Me I have been poked and prodded by every quak this side of the cosmos. if someone told me I was abducted by aliens and anally probed.

I wouldn't be surpised. I hear thats how they get the best beef jerky to fuel these flying saucers

Me I have been gased disected scalped bandaged gased disected electrocuted poked by needles syringed morphined up you name it they did it to me,

all in the name of science and research. the only reason why they stopped doing it is because my mother said no. she finally saw what they did to me first hand. she saw them shock me and shock and stick needles all over me. it was relentless. now I think about with new eyes really. because I was bitter about it for some time.

it's nothing new really its just simple. there is always someone out there who was Fucked harder then you could possibly know. I feel some how its all over because I let it go. maybe not entirely but enough that I don't talk about it every fucking five minutes. its not healthy. I do try to tell people this because they go through things and they ask for my advice. My cousin Bill who has just gone through a great ordeal.

he lowned his father some money, and later went collect. when he got there His father in law stabbed him in the leg with a Butcher knife. three times. right in front of his children. Jesus Christ the whole world has gone crazy and eventually catches up to you to make your life just a little more interesting then it was yesterday.

So Bill calls me on the phone because he's afraid he may never walk again. aparently his injury is pretty fucking serious. he wants to know how I live thorugh life being as I am. My first Reaction yeah I'm disabled but I never been stabbed by anyone Illegally.

I don't know what that is like. he's afraid he may be disabled forever, and whats to know how to cope with it. Its' a good question. i don't know. I'm not religious or anything. I guess the key to be happy is to have series of really cool hobbies.

perhaps become a pro at your hobby and it might turn into something into a serious passion which sustains the will to live. personally I can't stand other disabled people because they are so whiny about every godamned thing in the world. I know some of them can't help it and I don't argue with them because somehow talking about it helps them a little bit.

I'm reading Kurt Vonneguts book Palm Sunday. which has helped me tremendously in expressing myself and someday I would want him to read this posting. His chapter on religion really helped me express to my mom and my wife how I feel about religion and God in a way I couldn't before. to be breif I come from a very religious family and I for one am not.

and in his chapter Religion he simply states something in away I couldn't for years.
maybe not in a million years.

But he said He was an athiest because "We don't have enough answers"

as to the creation or what exactly is god or the intentions or what god expects, plus doesn't make very many house calls. And that is what I have been dealing with this month. religion, helping the sick which is my wife after bladder surgery and dealing with my own self loathing and depression.

today I had a freak out which ended up in religious discussions with my wife, and I think to his chapter on religion where he says both he and his wife divorced because of religion. this bothers me because I don't want this to happen.

even religion is a sore spot for the both of us.people don't understand me nor my wife. I'm not an athiest, I'm not christian either because we don't have enough Information. It' doesn't mean I don't believe in God...

I Don't enough Information to act in any other way then to express myself as myself. I can't be you, I proably look terrible in your clothes, and perhaps I couldn't walk a mile in your shoes, and I don't expect you to walk in mine.

Why is this a bad philosophy?